An East Texas State of Mind

CW: Death.

I've been in Lufkin since last October-ish. I've been here for six months. My dad passed away in December. He passed away in his home, in his bed, with my mother and me right beside him. He told us earlier that day that he "wasn't going to die today." He passed at 12:01 in the morning. The man was stubborn right down to the last minute.

Although I'd never take back any experience in my life, if you have the opportunity to not see one of your loved ones die right before your eyes, might I suggest you choose that route. He died with his mouth open, his eyes were open. I could hear him gasping for his last breaths. You could smell the death in his room for days before he died. He sighed heavily everytime my mom or I touched him, he could feel us. I'll never get the image of my father being carried down the stairs by two strangers, the strangers letting my mother say goodbye one final time (his wishes were to be cremated, no services), them lifting up the sheet to reveal my cold, dead fathers head, my mother kissing his head and crying herself into a panic attack. That's how I still see him. Stiff as a board, with his mouth open, my mother kissing his head and crying.

I can still feel him. I feel him all the time, so does mom. 

When I decided to move down here, I had planned on staying here for a year or so. Things have changed. I'm fairly certain that I'll be living in Lufkin for the indefinite future. I really want to find a small bus or van and make it into a cool mobile-home type situation that I can take on the road, forever adventures. Five year plan shit. I am so grateful for the friends who have taken time to make the drive out here. It means the world to me to know that I have friends who genuinely love me enough to drive 3.5 hours East ... to see ME. 

The last few weeks have been the hardest. Everything is catching up with me emotionally and I don't know how to handle it. I'm struggling. I need to find a therapist in Lufkin that takes my insurance. It's hard to climb out of this hole I've dug.. but I'll get out of it eventually. 

I decided to deactivate my Facebook for good. Hopefully. Yeah, it'll be for good. Facebook is toxic and you know what? I have a work Facebook account that I can do all my social media work from without seeing any of the bullshit. It's nice. Deleting the app from my phone was the most refreshing thing in the world. It was too much (wasted) time spent on unnecessary drama. I've kept my Messenger up so people can still get ahold of me. I'm still on Twitter and Instagram. I'll be updating my blog (that you're currently reading) a lot more often. Be sure to check back if you're into that kind of stuff. The future posts won't be this depressing. I want to share more of my photography and writing works.

One of my best friends has been on me to get my personal writings in order. I haven't written for myself in so long... fuck, my last blog post was August 7, 2017. The one before that was in 2014. I've spent the majority of my time writing for publications and other outlets. I have decided to stop writing for publications, including The Dentonite, in hopes of writing more for myself. I mean, I still have a couple of assignments to turn in for The Dentonite and for the Lufkin Daily News... but I'm done after that. I'm sure this news will make plenty of folks (read: haters) happy. You're welcome. I need a challenge. Writing the same stories over and over is not challenging for me anymore. It's monotonous. That's my take on it all, though. 

I'm working on a book. I have a ton of concepts for other books, too. I am afraid to talk about any of them in too much detail online until I have my first draft finished. Be on the lookout toward the end of this year/early 2019. 

I'm also working on developing my instant and film photography skills. I want to eventually put a dark room in my house. I want to develop all of my film. I did it in High School, should be able to figure it out now, right? Right. (If you develop your own film in-house, feel free to share any tips you may have!) 

Anyway, I made this playlist earlier and it's totally relevant to my mood. Until next time...